the facebook group causality theory

For any given Facebook group with n members, there are x^2 groups dedicated to sub-niches of that group and x groups dedicated to the consumption of alcohol, where x is the natural log of n times the number of cans left in the closest six-pack of cheap beer.*

Yes, I know I’m a geek.

*This number is also known as Budweiser’s constant.

oh dear god.

cbs5.com – ‘Virgin Mary’ Seen In Texas Grocery Store Freezer:

first of all, why is this news? water freezes. it’s been freezing for billions of years. sometimes, it freezes in fantastical and beautiful shapes, kinda like clouds sometimes form shapes in the sky. this is not news; it’s second grade science. now, i know i’m not a reporter, but i can think of a few news stories i’d rather see. like, say, the genocide in darfur, or the war in iraq, or any number of other more important things. there are even better human interest stories, like volunteers at nursing homes or people who write letters to soldiers. and yet, we have to waste a web page and a minute of broadcast news time to cover this “story”. liberal media, my ass.

second, if god does exist and wanted to send some sort of message to humanity, or even a small town in texas for that matter, i would like to think that his/her/their chosen platform wouldn’t be a grocery store freezer.

spontaneously igniting one of those government-issue shrubs outside the post office might do nicely; it connects the old testament “power and majesty” with the hum-drum of small town life.

ugh. i need coffee.

a year in lists

it is day 365 of the year 2006. in less than 10 hours, it’ll be 2007. i’d like to take this time and recount some of what happened this year.

first, things relevant to almost everybody:

  • the centennial of wolfgang amadeus mozart’s birth was celebrated
  • dick cheney shot someone in the face
  • iran was able to successfully refine a few grams of enriched uranium
  • a military coup d’etat took place in thailand
  • toothpaste and shampoo became contraband on U.S flights
  • mark foley was outed as a pervert
  • the republican leadership in the house was spanked for knowing that mark foley was a pervert and not doing anything about it
  • the democratic party retook control of the united states congress
  • north korea successfully conducted an underground nuclear test
  • donald rumsfeld resigned as secretary of defense
  • gerald ford died
  • james brown died
  • saddam hussein was (unwisely) executed for war crimes

and now, things that are only relevant to me:

  • i graduated college
  • i survived a very painful breakup
  • i got a job doing something i enjoy
  • i began formally living on my own and supporting myself
  • i learned quite a bit about what it means to actually work
  • i began toying with the idea of going to graduate school for software engineering

i’m sitting at the kitchen table, watching snow fall and waiting for the washing machine to fill so that i can take a shower. as has been my custom for many years, i’ve spent some time thinking about what my new year’s resolutions should be, and present them to the world here now.

  1. i make it my goal to weigh 200 pounds or less by december 31, 2007.
  2. i make it my goal to lay down responsible meal plans and eat wisely.
  3. i make it my goal to be happy as much as possible.

ok. time to go shower and buy groceries before all of the stores close. happy new year, everybody!

go thank a liberal

from one of my new favorite facebook groups:
—–

Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare his morning coffee. The water is clean and good because some tree-hugging liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards. With his first swallow of water, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe to take because some stupid commie liberal fought to ensure their safety and that they work as advertised.

All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer’s medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance – now Joe gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs. Joe’s bacon is safe to eat because some girly-man liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.

In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo. His bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total contents because some crybaby liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained.

Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought for the laws to stop industries from polluting our air. He walks on the government-provided sidewalk to subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.

Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some lazy liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe’s employer pays these standards because Joe’s employer doesn’t want his employees to call the union. If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he’ll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some stupid liberal didn’t think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

It is noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe’s deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some godless liberal wanted to protect Joe’s money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Great Depression.

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below-market federal student loan because some elitist liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime. Joe also forgets that his in addition to his federally subsidized student loans, he attended a state funded university.

Joe is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among the safest in the world because some America-hating liberal fought for car safety standards to go along with the tax-payer funded roads.

He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers’ Home Administration because bankers didn’t want to make rural loans. The house didn’t have electricity until some big-government liberal stuck his nose where it didn’t belong and demanded rural electrification.

He is happy to see his father, who is now retired. His father lives on Social Security and a union pension because some wine-drinking, cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn’t have to.

Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. He doesn’t mention that the beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day. Joe agrees: “We don’t need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I’m a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have.”

—–

SOOOOOO tempted to send that to my father in reply to every “liberals want to take our money and eat our young” flavored brainless email forward he’s ever sent me.

*deep breath*

i’ll be satisfied with the blog, though.

define: pwn

From Wikipedia:

The verb to pwn (past tense: pwned, pwnd, pwn’d, pwnt, pooned) as used by the Internet gaming subculture, means to beat or dominate an opponent. While it probably originated as a typing error of the word own, it is now used intentionally by many members of the subculture. The term has become so ubiquitous in Internet circles that it is often used outside of gaming contexts; for example, “He just got pwned in that debate” or “The hunters pwned that bear.”

Or:

This. This would also be considered pwnage in my book.

Hah.